


To Hell and Back

by KaylaRachille



Category: All American (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Best Friends, F/M, Fear, Gen, Mental Anguish, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Strained Relationships, Veterans, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:40:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29581086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaylaRachille/pseuds/KaylaRachille
Summary: Four years ago, Asher left everything behind in California when he joined the military ready to run away from the hell that had become his life, but he quickly realized he had only traded one hell for another. Now returning home after being injured in the service he is trying to glue back the pieces of his life that were never whole, to begin with.Snippet from Chapter Three:To most sons when they are younger their fathers are usually their first heroes.The first ones to pick them up after they fall off their bikes and scrape their knees and to make sure they get back on their bikes for another ride.The first ones to show them how to throw a football and how to catch it.The first ones to tell them that they can do anything they set their minds to.But that is before the harsh realities of this world blur the lens of innocence that they perceive the world through so purely leaving them with the cold truth that their fathers are not superheroes at all but instead are just humans with hero-like savior complexes.And then sometimes no matter how hard they try they aren’t able to save anyone at all.
Relationships: Asher Adams & JJ Parker, Asher Adams & Olivia Baker, Olivia Baker/Spencer James
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. A Hero's Untimely Welcome Home

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, y'all! 😊
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new story for you guys that is going to be completely different from anything that I have written before! And I hope it finds you doing well! (And for anyone that went through the ice/snowstorm this week I am feeling for you as I experienced it too. But it has allowed for a lot of time for me to write so there's that.)
> 
> So, I wasn't actually planning on posting this story until a later date, but I wrote the first chapter and I wanted to share it with y'all to see what you think of it! I personally love how it turned out. And I hope you will too!
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher will be returning home after being injured in the service.
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> **  
> Please Note: I have tried to represent a veteran coming back home from the war in this story as authentically as I can since I have never experienced that sort of thing myself. But I do hope that my take is received as genuine and that it isn't offensive in any way. And I just want to mention that I have the utmost respect for every veteran that has put their life on the line for their country. I will be adding more characters and tags to the story as I post the chapters so as to warn of any potential triggering topics. In this chapter the topic of PTSD is mentioned heavily so please read with extra care and caution if that could in any way be triggering to you. Sending lots of love. <3

California doesn’t feel like his home anymore. 

That much is clear as he steps off the plane onto American soil for the first time in almost four years. 

The warm golden sunshine that greeted him when he flipped up the shade on the small circular like window on the plane which he had always played tag and had water balloon fights under as a kid and then all the other times he had thrown a football under the hot summer sun until his skin would burn bright red no longer brought him the freedom of the allure of summer vacation that it had always before.

Now it was just a reminder of a desert land with no shade from the unforgiving sun that burned down on them in a sweltering inferno as if it came from the fiery pits of Hell itself. 

Pressing his lips into a firm line to hide his grimace as he braces his hand up against the wall of the plane terminal he begins his slow and painful walk toward the door that leads to the bustling airport paying no attention to the other faceless passengers who easily brush past him as they pay no attention to the veteran with the limp and the sacrifices that he has made for the country they share or the scars that are hidden under his civilian clothes that don't fit just right and it feel like he has stolen them from a stranger's suitcase. 

By the time he makes it through the door of the terminal which feels like it has taken him an hour to walk the few hundred feet, he is out of breath and sweat is rolling down his back and his face as if he's just run a damn marathon. 

Since he was the last passenger from his flight to make it over to the baggage claim he easily finds his army green duffel bag still on the conveyor belt just before the next flight's bags slide down the shoot awaiting their jet-lagged owners to claim them. 

Shouldering his bag, he finds it still has a considerable weight to it but it is lighter than it was the last time he had carried it from his army hospital room before he boarded a flight in a country where no one barely spoke any English and no one for sure even knew his damn name.

He readjusts his stance trying to find balance in his uneven body gripping tighter around the duffel bag strap holding onto it for dear life to his few belongings that he has left and the memories of his life before the war tucked neatly inside as he turns to make his way toward the passenger waiting area where he knows his best friend is waiting for him. 

The crackle of the intercom overhead makes him jump as he pauses for a moment to take in a deep but shuddering breath as his eyes focus on the luggage tag with his name written on it by the sweet nurse that reminded him a lot of someone he use to know with how caring and attentive she always was before she wished him well as another nurse wheeled him out of the hospital.

_Asher Adams._

God, it had been forever since he had been _just_ Asher without one of his military titles cited before his last name by his sergeants and commanding officers. 

_Private Adams._

_Private First-Class Adams._

_Private Second-Class Adams._

_Specialist Adams._

Or just sometimes he was just _Adams_ to the ones he was closest to in his company. But they were all just ghosts now that kept him up at night with their haunting cries for help that he never could answer no matter how hard he tried.

 _You saved yourself like you always do and everyone else be damned. Remember?_ The taunting voice in the back of his mind that sounds so much like his father that it makes him sick is quick to remind him like it always does never letting him forget how selfish he truly is. 

But none of them knew _Asher_ and he isn't even sure that he knows him anymore either as he puts one foot in front of the other as he shakily begins his trek through the crowded airport that makes him want to scream for no one to touch him as his skin crawls with the feeling that at any minute the enemy is going to come out of nowhere and blow them all away. 

_I'm not over there anymore._

_I'm back home._

_I'm safe._

He reassures himself on a loop like a broken record as he glances toward the large windows when a plane takes off and he has to remind himself that it isn't an enemy plane with bombs and other explosives that are only meant for destruction and death but that it is actually a commercial American plane with only passengers and their luggage on board. 

With a sigh of relief when he locks gazes with his best friend who is sending him a wide grin as he holds a sign with his name on it. 

_Asher Adams._

“I think people only use those signs JJ when the person they're picking up doesn't know them,” Asher explains even though he is smiling, which isn't often anymore after the things he's seen and done, as he steps across from the man that so openly agreed to be his welcome home party when he had called him from the army hospital the day before he was released. 

“I was afraid that you may have forgotten what I looked like after four years Ash.” JJ exclaims as he studies his best friend's familiar face to find deep worry lines etched into his forehead and a look of tiredness across his features that looks like it is permanent. 

_Things are different now._ He decides knowing that Asher has seen things over there that have been kept off the television screens here.

“I could never forget the face of my best friend,” Asher tells him as he drops his duffel bag onto one of the vacant chairs.

“Welcome Home Ash,” JJ says before he pulls Asher into a stiff hug as he knows his best friend is trying his hardest to keep his balance as he leans forward slightly.

“Thanks, JJ,” Asher says as he shifts all of his weight onto his right leg when his left one starts to tremble from all the standing and walking, he has been doing. 

“I've missed you so much. Watching football games just aren't the same without you there for us to root for the opposite teams and to smack talk with each other.” JJ exclaims with a lighthearted chuckle as he tries not to think about the other empty couch cushion that is never going to be occupied again as he is just happy to have Asher back. 

“I've missed you too. And I'm still detecting some saltiness in your tone about how my team kicked your team's asses for two years in a row at the Super Bowl.” Asher says back and it's like no time has passed between them and that JJ never had driven him in the piss pouring rain to his late-night flight that took him to basic training on the East coast because all that was on his mind was to get the hell out of Beverly Hills and California when he, in turn, had just traded one hell for another. 

“Right but next year it's going to be my team that wins not yours,” JJ exclaims with a teasing grin.

“If you say so, Parker,” Asher says returning his friend’s infectious smile.

“So, are you ready to head out?” JJ asks before picking up Asher's duffel bag from the chair.

“Yeah. I can get my own bag though JJ.” Asher states hating how JJ makes the bag look like it is empty with how easily he hoists it up over his shoulder and how difficult it had been for him to barely even carry it. 

“It's the least I can do for you, Ash,” JJ says with a shrug as he waits for Asher to fall in step beside him as he slows his own pace to match his injured friend's.

“You've already done a lot for me JJ,” Asher exclaims consciously feeling for the dog tags under the thin material of his t-shirt. 

“And I'm going to do all I can to help you get back on your feet,” JJ promises the same way as he had the day on the phone when Asher had called him from his hospital room. 

“Well, I am walking now so that's an improvement,” Asher states hating how his voice has an edge to it as it makes him seem ungrateful which he is anything but because he knows how lucky he is to be alive.

“True.” JJ agrees since he knows for a fact that it is taking Asher a great deal of effort to just do that but not that he would ever admit it. “I'm over here.” He announces as presses the button on his key fob to unlock his doors and then another button to automatically start his car. 

“Are you sure that you don't care for me crashing at your place for a while?” Asher asks timidly after with the help of JJ he settles back into the passenger seat of the grey Jeep that is unfamiliar to him and he wonders how many other things have changed in his four-year absence. 

“Hell, no I don't. I offered you to stay with me remember?” JJ reminds his best friend sending him a smile of nothing but reassurance after he climbs in behind the steering wheel.

“Right. It's just I don't want to burden you or anything.” Asher explains after they both click on their seat belts as he shifts to a more comfortable position reminding himself that he isn't in a Humvee and there are no IEDs on these roads and streets. 

“You are many things Asher Adams, but a burden is not one of them,” JJ tells him before he pulls out slowly from the parking lot leaving the airport behind in his rearview mirror with his best friend in the seat next to him this time.

“Thanks for all of this JJ,” Asher says letting out a long breath wanting nothing more than to believe what his best friend just said.

“You've said that already Ash but I'm glad to do this for you. I mean you just spent four years defending our country and our freedoms so I should be thanking you.” JJ corrects feeling nothing but pride for the man who is sitting next to him that is now a shadow of the boy that he played football with all those years ago.

“No, thanks needed JJ,” Asher tells him not feeling at all like a hero because everything that he did over there feels like it was only done out of the need to survive and even that doesn't feel justifiable to him. 

“You want to grab a bite to eat?” JJ asks abruptly changing the subject as he gestures toward the Taco Bell sign that comes into view. 

“Sure.” Asher agrees even though he isn't really hungry, but he doesn't want to disagree with his best friend. 

After they eat or rather JJ eats and Asher picks at the soggy thin shell of the burrito before he finally ate the meat out of the middle JJ merges onto the interstate heading in the opposite direction of his apartment. 

“Why are we heading to Malibu?” Asher questions when he notices a sign along the interstate that reads twenty-six miles to the ocean side town with an uneasy feeling settling into his stomach as he hopes that it is where they are going and not to the state prison that is in the same direction. 

“Has your mom called you yet?” JJ asks gripping the steering wheel tighter as he switches lanes seamlessly pretending not to notice how Asher cringes when a semi-truck passes them.

“No?” Asher finally answers as a question in a strained voice with tension building in his shoulders as he considers himself a fool to think he was ready to ride in a vehicle again. 

“Maybe she's waiting for you to call her first,” JJ suggests even though he knows full well that Gwen is probably pacing the floors by now since her son isn't in her sights just yet.

“I'll call her later.” Asher decides not knowing what he would even say to her because I'm home just doesn't seem right. 

“She's expecting you to visit her,” JJ says gauging his friend's reactions to his words.

“Today?” Asher asks already feeling exhausted from the flight and just having to walk from the plane and then to JJ's Jeep. 

“Yeah. It was the only way that she would agree for you to stay with me instead of her is if I brought you to see her as soon as your plane landed.” JJ explains wondering if he made a mistake by not being upfront with his friend about the arrangement that they had made behind his back. 

“That sounds like my mom,” Asher states with a fond smile knowing that his mom still loves him despite everything. 

“So, are you up for the trip?” JJ asks in a hopeful tone as they roll another mile closer to the mother and son reunion.

“Yeah.” Asher agrees deciding that maybe seeing his mom is just what he needs to feel whole again and the thing that will remind him that he is truly back in California for good as he grips the handle above his window in a tight hold as JJ accelerates even faster down the interstate.

***

Asher lets his mom hug him for as long as she needs for her mind to realize what her eyes are seeing in front of her is true and real. 

That her son has come home from the war. 

Yes, he has been changed from the carnage he has bared witness to. 

And he has been hurt in a way that won't ever fully heal.

But her son, her baby boy, made it back home when so many other mom's sons and daughters did not. 

“I love you so much, baby.” She whispers into her son's ear through her tears of pure blissful relief which began falling down her cheeks as soon as she opened her front door to find her son standing on her porch which are replacing all the tears of anguish and desperation, she had cried over the past four years when Asher's took too long for her to receive and she feared the worst.

“I love you too mom,” Asher whispers back feeling his own hot tears slip down his cheeks. 

“Well, you two come on in.” Gwen finally says as she reluctantly lets go of her son as she sends the man behind him a grateful smile since he kept good on his word that he would bring Asher to see her as soon as he got home. 

“Welcome home son.” She tells him after JJ shuts the front door with a click as they wait for him to follow them into the kitchen where a fresh pitcher of lemonade, Asher's favorite drink, is waiting for them in the refrigerator.

“Thanks, mom,” Asher says with a small smile that he hopes hides the pain in his eyes from the excruciating electric shock that shoots up his leg with each step he takes. 

She swallows against the lump in her throat as she watches with concern at how her son limps when he a takes cautious step forward into her house and how he tries his best to hide his grimace when he bears weight onto his left leg. 

_He's walking now though._ She reminds herself as she forces a hopeful smile across her face. 

_My baby made it back home._ She thinks feeling like all of her prayers have been answered as she takes her son's hand in her own letting him grasp it tightly as she hopes it allows him an outlet for the pain that she knows he is in, but he won't ever tell her about. 

***

After the drive back up from Malibu that seems to take a lot longer than the drive down did to Asher's tired body and his mind filled with racing thoughts as he feels a great sense of relief when JJ pulls into a lot of an apartment complex. 

“Don't worry Ash our place is on the first floor,” JJ explains after parking in his usual parking spot as he looks across the small grassy square incased along the cement sidewalk and then up to the three-story apartment building. 

“I can walk up the damn stairs JJ.” Asher bites out through gritted teeth instantly regretting his outburst at the hurt look that flashes through JJ's eyes before he covers it with a soft look of understanding.

“I know you can but now you don't have to,” JJ exclaims before he reaches into the backseat for Asher's bag.

“Sorry. I'm just-“ Asher apologizes feeling like a fucking scum bag that he just snapped at the last person besides his mom that even wants a damn thing to do with him.

“An independent person.” JJ finishes for him with his lips forming a half-smile before he opens his car door. Don't worry I know you better than you know yourself.” He tells him when he opens the passenger side door before he moves back so that Asher can step out of the Jeep by himself, but he stays close enough so that if he needs to reach out and steady his friend, he can without risking him falling face-first onto the pavement.

“Oh yeah and what am I thinking right now?” Asher challenges as he crosses his arms over his chest with a smirk as JJ searches his face before he closes the car door. 

“That you're ready to get back to a normal life.” JJ states watching with a smug smile as his best friend's mouth hangs open at how easily he has just read him like a book.

“More than ready,” Asher affirms with something flashing behind his eyes that JJ doesn't quite catch before it disappears.

“Well, let's take that first step by getting you settled into your new home,” JJ says gesturing toward the apartment building as he watches with pride as Asher steps up from the parking lot and onto the sidewalk with more ease than either of them expected that he could.

“So, the apartment isn't very big,” JJ explains as he unlocks the front door before he leads the way into the small space.

“I'll pay rent,” Asher states remembering the sizeable check that his mom had written out to him as he and JJ locked in a staring match stand on the carpeted flooring between the small kitchenette and the oversized couch along the far wall.

“Like hell, you will,” JJ exclaims shaking his head with his lips fitted into a tight line. 

“JJ…” Asher says trailing off as he watches his best friend's jaw clench as his eyes narrow not with anger but with a look of intense determination. 

“Asher there is no way in hell that I am going to take a damn dime of your money.“ JJ explains in a much softer tone than his face betrays.

“Fine.” Asher sighs out his resolve the first to break as he ends their eye contact when glances around the bare walls surrounding them.

“Now follow me and I will show you to your bedroom,” JJ says not waiting for Asher to fall in step next to him because he knows his best friend well enough to know that he'll follow him and simply because there isn't enough room for them to walk shoulder to shoulder in the narrow hallway. “This is the bathroom.” JJ explains briefly flipping on the light before they continue farther down the hallway. “This is your bedroom and mine is across the hallway.” He tells Asher as they step inside what once was just a guest bedroom with a full size bed, a nightstand, and a dresser that is all in matching cherry wood.

“Thanks.” Asher says and he means it after JJ sits down his duffel bag onto the perfectly made bed that he is sure would pass any inspection with flying colors that he's ever experience.

“Don’t mention it Ash.” JJ says stepping backward toward the door. “Well, I'll let you get unpacked.” He explains before he turns leaving Asher alone in the former guest room that he is still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that it is now his own for as long as he needs it. 

Unpacking his things into the dresser drawer that isn't his feels strange, but it also feels normal to actually be arranging his things into an actual piece of furniture instead of his duffel bag. 

A stack of neatly folded five white t-shirts since the blood stained one that he was wearing during the accident was destroyed when the field medic cut it off his chest into shredded strips of cotton before everything went black and the destruction before him faded from his view. 

A pack of playing cards that still smell of cigarette smoke with fingerprint smears from his brothers from all of their nights playing round after round of poker with whatever coins or candy they could round up as they waited for their fellow solider to return from watch duty as they all kept their ears trained listening for the first sign of the enemy approaching from the distance.

A stack of handwritten letters from his mom that she had sent him over the four years of his deployment that he had read over and over again until he could recite each letter word for word as his mom's words of encouragement were the only thing that truly kept him holding on and fighting to stay alive so that he would make it back home. 

A picture of the girl he loved with his entire soul and the same girl whose heart he broke when he left her behind four years ago that now needs a frame since it is now crinkled at the edges after all of the times he had held it close to his chest as he stared up at the stars when he was on watch duty because he never told anyone about her because it hurt too much to think of her tearful face when he willingly walked away from the best damn thing in his life. 

“Welcome home Ash.” JJ beams leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest long after the city had been blanketed in darkness and the city's nightlife had come alive under the neon lights. 

“Thanks for letting me stay JJ,” Asher tells him once more as he spreads his hands over the dark blue comforter that is much softer than any blanket, he has used in the last four years. 

“You're welcome,” JJ says as he hesitates in the doorway keeping his eyes focused on his best friend's face that is shaded by the yellow glow of the bedside lamp so that Asher doesn't catch him staring at the cover and how the outline of his legs underneath it aren't even. “So, if you need anything I'm just across the hall.” He tells him probably for the eighth time before he pushes himself off of the doorframe. 

“I remember.” Asher tells him with a nod with a soft smile allowing his aching body to sink further into the soft borrowed mattress.

JJ stands in the doorway for a moment longer with more words on his lips that he decides that it can wait until the morning before he gives Asher one final nod before he turns on his heel taking the three steps across the hall to his own room. 

Asher stares at the closed bedroom door wondering why the hell JJ of all people is willing to give him shelter when he doesn't deserve anything after everything he has done on and off the battlefield.

_Welcome Home._

A sentence he thought he would never hear again and a feeling he never thought he would ever experience again as he lay dying in a desert far away from everything he had ever known and loved.

Far away from his home.

Far away from his family.

Far away from his friends.

Far away from _her_. 

But now that he is back home it still feels like part of him is still stuck back in that desert land that so selfishly stole away all of those soldiers from their families – from their homes.

_Welcome, Home._

It feels like a lie as much as it does a promise of tomorrow. 

He leaves the bedside lamp on knowing that the pitch-black darkness will only trap him into the inescapable parts of his own mind as he rolls over onto his right side turning away from the open doorway that faces toward JJ's bedroom.

_Welcome Home._

A greeting.

A promise.

A prayer.

A cheer. 

A wish.

A hug.

A lie.

A fear.

A sneer.

A scream.

A failure.

A disgrace.

_Welcome Home._

Two words that every veteran hears when they step back into civilian life from those who only see the ghosts of their loved ones in the haunted eyes of the shell of the person that came back, and their family member didn't and from the ones that embrace them as if the person with the same face they left with isn't a stranger in a familiar body. 

_Welcome Home._

A doubled edged sword that cuts deep when someone says it no matter the meaning behind the two words because he knows that he won't ever be fully here back present in California because he left part of his soul behind in the red sand buried deep along with the souls of his fallen brothers. 

_Welcome Home._

He decides for tonight that it simply means that he survived and made it back home when so many others who's faces, he'll never forget didn't. 

And that is enough for him to let his eyes fall shut as the exhaustion from the day and the last four years catches up with him.


	2. A Four-Year-Old Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asher steps back into his past when he tries to make amends with someone that he left behind only to find out they have been keeping a secret from him for the last four years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y'all! 😊
> 
> I am excited to be back with another chapter of this story that I hope y'all have ennoyed reading so far! And I hope this new chapter finds each of you doing well! 
> 
> So, in this chapter Asher will be going to see the girl who's heart he broke four years ago and he is stunned at the secret he will uncover. 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> **  
> Pease Note: Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the above tags before reading. This chapter will be dealing with the topics of: PTSD, survivor's guilt, injuries and amputations. So, if any of that could be triggering to you then please read with extra caution and care! <3
> 
> P.S. This story hasn't been as heavily edited as my other works since I don't have internet right now and I typed this all on my phone so I am sorry for any mistakes. I will be editing it better once my electric comes back on!

Someone is in his room breathing heavily as they inch closer to him. 

Is Asher’s first thought when he awakens with a startled jerk as he tries his best with a strong jolt of anxious energy coursing through him as to scramble away from the tight hold they have on his shoulders. 

A voice reaches his ears that he vaguely recognizes as being familiar but above the roaring sound in his ears he can't understand the words. 

His first blink brings back the beige walls back into focus. 

The second blink clears his vision just slightly. 

And by the third blink his wide eyes focus on the concerned filled face of his best friend. 

“JJ?” He stammers out taking in a shuddering breath releasing his tight grip on the material in his right fist that he realizes is JJ's t-shirt and not his bed sheets like he had thought. 

“It's just me Ash.” JJ assures him not making in quick movements to step back out of his reach.

“I'm so sorry JJ.” Asher immediately apologizes sitting up against the headboard. 

“It's okay.” JJ exclaims in a soft tone since no damage was done.

“I could've hurt you.” Asher states hiding his face in his hands as he feels ashamed at how quickly he had lost control.

“But you didn't.” JJ says resting his hand gently on Asher's shoulder to find it trembling under his light hold.

“You can't wake me up again like this.” Asher says as a direct instruction. 

“You were having a nightmare.” JJ explains not regretting for a damn minute to come in to wake up his best friend.

“Please don't wake me up again.” Asher pleas this time because physically hurting one of the last people that still cares for him scares him to death.

“Okay.” JJ agrees even though he isn't sure if can keep that promise. “I was coming in to see if you wanted some breakfast.” He explains as the tension releases from Asher's shoulders.

“Yeah, some breakfast would be good.” Asher agrees with a nod scooting across the mattress’ edge. 

JJ leaves Asher alone in his bedroom so that he can get himself ready for the day. 

“You're still eating cereal for breakfast like a kid I see.” Asher observes when he walks into the kitchen several minutes later watching as JJ pours half a box of _Rice Krispies_ cereal into a glass bowl deciding that maybe everything hasn’t changed in the four years he was away.

“Yeah, and sometimes I eat it for lunch and dinner too. You know this bachelor lifestyle and all.” JJ exclaims around a mouthful of cereal after he filled his bowl to the brim with milk. 

Asher leans against the kitchen counter hiding his still shaking hands under the folds of his arms with the popping of JJ's cereal grating on his already frayed nerves. 

_Snap._

_Crackle._

_Pop._

The popping sound the cereal makes almost sounds like the bombs that exploded in the distant night sky as he laid on his cot staring up at the tent ceiling with no other thought running through his mind of how he wished to be back in California which was the last place he ever thought he would want to return back to.

_Pop._

_Crackle._

_Snap._

It's almost like the bomb explosions that lit up the dark sky every night in the desert far away from here where he is standing in JJ's kitchen as he tries to desperately hold on tightly to reality.

 _Almost_.

He reminds himself before JJ's loud chewing thankfully breaks through the popping sound as Asher swallows finding his mouth and throat dry. 

“Do you have any coffee?” Asher asks not bothering to look in the cabinets behind him because he stills like a guest.

“I don't. But we can get some today.” JJ explains feeling disappointed in himself that he didn't remember how much that Asher loved his morning coffee. “But I did get you some oatmeal. I couldn't remember what flavor you liked so I got a few different boxes.” He tells him pointing with his spoon to the cabinet where he put the five boxes of oatmeal he had picked up at the store the day before Asher's plane landed. 

“Thanks. Any kind would have been fine.” Asher exclaims knowing that after eating plain oatmeal for years with sometimes a little bit of cinnamon sprinkled in it that any of the flavors JJ bought would be better than that before he turns around to open the cabinet door as his eyes scan over the various flavor choices. 

"I got you a key for the apartment. I forgot to give it to you yesterday." JJ explains sliding the small silver key across the table as he watches Asher mix the packet of oatmeal into the hot water he heated in the microwave.

"Oh, thanks. I'll give it back when I move out." Asher tells him not knowing how long he will have to stay with his best friend and at the same time he hopes that JJ won't grow tired of his new house guest. 

"Don't be in any hurry though Ash." JJ exclaims returning his attention back to his cereal. “So, I don't go back to work until Monday.” He informs Asher when he sits down across from him with his piping hot bowl of banana nut flavored oatmeal. 

“Did you take off work because of me?” Asher questions pausing his spoon in mid air as the thought of completely interrupting JJ's life is the last thing he wanted to do. 

“I took off work _for_ you.” JJ explains keeping his tone measured. “Besides I had some vacation days that were about to expire anyway.” He tells him only stretching the truth a little bit since the days would have expired in six months any way when the calendar year rolled over to the new year. 

“Do you know where Olivia is living now?” Asher asks as her name on his tongue feels like a foreign word that he has practiced over and over to get right but it still comes out with each syllable rolling slowly off his tongue as if he's unsure of the name he has said a thousand times before.

_Olivia._

_Six simple letters._

_And four short syllables._

_That hold so much weight to them._

There he said her name that has been on the tip of his tongue for the last four years that he actually hadn't spoken aloud since that night he broke her heart and left her behind on their apartment balcony in the pouring rain as her tear drops mixed together with the rain drops.

There's no going back now that he has put forth the question to receive what ever information JJ has to offer about his ex-fiancé. 

He watches with a skilled eye as JJ weighs his options of telling him the truth or only a half truth. But by the way JJ heavily sits down his spoon beside his bowl and breathes out a long breath Asher knows he's going to tell him the truth about Olivia no matter how hard it may be for him to hear it.

“Yeah, I know where she lives.” JJ tells him meeting his eyes after he clears his throat. “She still lives in Beverly Hills.” He explains further when Asher opens his mouth to ask him exactly it is where she lives. 

“I thought she would have moved as far away from here as possible.” Asher states genuinely surprised that Olivia had stayed in Beverly Hills or even California for that matter.

 _You're the runner. Not her._ He is quick to remind himself with a feeling of disgust at himself flooding through him.

“She wanted to stay close to her parents after everything that happened.” JJ explains reciting what she had told him once when they ran into each other at the grocery store over a year ago as they both actively avoided the subject of both Asher and Jordan.

“I could see that.” Asher says with the feeling gnawing at him that he was still missing a piece of the puzzle that was now Olivia's life. “Would you take me to see her? I mean if you're not doing anything else today.” He wonders since he hasn't been cleared physically by his doctor yet to drive.

“I don't know Ash…” JJ hesitates knowing that Asher isn't ready for what awaits him behind Olivia's front door.

“Please JJ all I want to do is tell her that I'm back.” Asher pleads knowing that he needs to at the very least to try and make amends with her for what he's done.

“Okay. I'll drive you. But only after our showers.” JJ finally decides before getting up from the table to rinse his and Asher's bowls out in the sink.

“Thank you JJ.” Asher tells him with a grateful smile as he follows his swift movements to the sink with his eyes.

“Don't thank me _yet_.” JJ reminds him after he places their bowls and spoons in the dishwasher.

“Sure.” Asher says not really sure what his best friend is trying to say or why he is eyeing him with a look of such intense empathy.

Asher makes his way slowly from the kitchen and then down the short hallway toward the bathroom with JJ matching his pace behind him with each measured and painful step he takes. 

“Can you handle the shower on your own or….” JJ questions not sure how to really approach the subject of Asher's injury or how much it has limited him physically now.

“Yeah. The physical therapist showed me how to before I left the hospital.” Asher explains remembering how embarrassed he had felt even though he was fully clothed with the physical therapist's gentle eyes on him as he climbed in and out of the shower stall three times.

“Okay.” JJ says with a nod but he makes no move to step out of the doorway.

“I'll be fine JJ.” Asher assures him even though he isn't entirely for sure he will be as the physical therapist’s voice rings in his head at the importance of him being extremely careful in the shower as it would be very easy for him to fall and further injured himself as if he didn't already know that.

“Okay. I'll be in the living room if you need me.” JJ says before he pulls the door shut behind him giving his friend the privacy he was craving.

“Thanks.” Asher says to the closed bathroom door waiting until he hears the television click onto a low volume to a sports channel which he assumes is so that JJ can listen to make sure he doesn't fall or call out for help. 

With a shuddering breath he braces the heels of his palms against the bathroom counter after he slides his sweatpants down to his ankles before he cautiously steps out of them. 

One foot at a time just like the physical therapist had showed him.

_Slow and steady._

_Balance is key._

_Your body is different now._

_It's going to take time for you to adjust._

His physical therapist gentle assurances replay through his mind as he sits down on the toilet’s closed lid before he shakily removes what's left of his leg from the prosthetic that fits just below his left knee.

He hasn't allowed himself to cry over his injury since he first woke up in the army hospital scared and alone with only strangers around him to tell him that he was lucky to be alive. 

But he didn't feel lucky about being alive when he woke from his almost fatal injuries to find that his life had been forever changed by an IED that had gone unspotted by him. 

And he sure as hell didn't feel lucky to be alive when he learned from his commanding officer that his entire company had been killed in the explosion. 

Everyone of them had died because of he didn't see the IED. 

Their bloodshed wasn't on the enemy's hands but his own scarred ones. 

And for that he would never be able to forgive himself. 

Raking his hands through his hair he grips the edge of the sink to keep himself upright as he hobbles over to the shower because he is too stubborn to use crutches like his physical therapist and his doctor suggested that he should. 

Pulling back the shower curtain he curses loudly under his breath when he sees the seat that is in the shower for him to use so that he doesn't fall. 

And mostly because he can longer stand in the shower anymore on his own. 

_Fuck_.

He doesn't deserve any of this. 

For everything that he's done he doesn't understand how the hell JJ or his even his mom for that matter can stand to look at him. 

_Not answering his dad's midnight phone call._

_Breaking Olivia's heart for the millionth and final time._

_Not being able to save his best friend._

_Leaving without as much as goodbye after he had enlisted._

_Not being able to save his brothers he swore to protect._

_Pushing everyone away when they were only trying to help._

_Not being able to save himself_.

The list of his mistakes and his hurtful actions could go on and on but he ends it with the thought that he can't even help himself as he carefully sits down on the shower chair slightly out of breath before he pulls the shower curtain closed. 

A hot shower which is a luxury he had forgotten how much he had enjoyed and how good it felt to his aching muscles as he turns the water onto the hottest setting.

 _I'm going to try to do better_. He promises to no one but himself as he reaches for the bottle of shampoo that has been conventionally placed on a lower shelf. 

Starting with Olivia.

_Olivia._

_Six simple letters._

_And four short syllables._

His starting over point.

***

On the drive across the city that he once called home he looks out the passenger car window finding how much it has changed in the four years that he was stuck in the desert as he and JJ both actively avoid talking about the shower chair or anything remotely pertaining to his injury. 

“She lives in the white house with the blue door.” JJ tells him nodding toward the craftsman style house just ahead of them after he parked along the sidewalk behind a mini van that he knows is Olivia's.

 _Football mom_.

Asher eyes scan over the vinyl window cling in the van's back window and he wonders if it is Olivia who is now a football mom. 

“Do you want me to go in with you?” JJ asks after sensing his best friend's hesitation. 

“No. I need to do this by myself.” Asher answers letting out a long breath before he grips the door handle. 

“Okay. I'll be waiting right here for you Ash.” JJ promises with a nod.

Asher returns his stiff nod before he slowly climbs out of the Jeep with his eyes locked on Olivia's house. 

After he rings the doorbell after a moment's hesitation he listens as it chimes throughout the house calling it's owner with the bright sound as it alerts them of a visitor at their door. 

Hearing a door close from somewhere deep in the house Asher lets his eyes search around the porch to find touches of Olivia all around in the brightly colored pillows on the porch swing, the potted succulents on a stand near the front door, and the yellow welcome mat under his feet. 

He wonders though if he is a welcomed visitor though as his eyes land on the one thing on the porch that doesn't remind him of Olivia.

Or at least of the Olivia that he knew anyway. 

Five block letters on the mailbox that spell out a last name that he honestly isn't surprised to find out that it is now attached to Olivia's first name.

 _James_.

He isn't really sure what the fuck he expected because he didn't really leave Olivia in a position to where she would have wanted to wait on him when he left her alone on their apartment balcony all those nights ago.

Because it wouldn't have been fair to ask her to wait on someone they may not even return home and then if they did they would be coming back a stranger. 

So he plasters a neutral look on his face and an attempt at a smile to hide his grimace when he hears the lock of the front door turn.

“Asher!?” Olivia calls when she opens her front door to find the man on her front porch that she didn’t think she would ever see again.

“Hey, Olivia.” Asher says not feeling the right to call her by her shortened nickname like he use to. 

That was then and this is now. 

“Asher.” She stutters out again in disbelief as she steps out onto to the porch with him before she wraps her around him pretending not to notice how he almost stumbles at the sudden movement.

“I'm here.” He whispers which he had wished so many times before he had done right after he had walked through their patio door after he broke her heart into a million pieces.   
In her arms where he knows he doesn't belong anymore he can't help but to feel like he is finally back home.

“When did you get back?” She asks stepping back as she steps back dropping her arms to her sides.

“Yesterday.” He answers feeling at the same time that it feels like years ago. 

“Who are you staying with?” She questions hoping that he isn't alone.

“I'm staying with JJ for now.” He explains gesturing toward the idling grey Jeep.

“That's good.” She says with a nod remembering how good of a friend JJ always was to Asher.

“How are you doing?” He asks as if he hadn't tore her heart out and this is only a causal house call that he is making.

“I'm okay.” She exclaims with the fact that her life is really good now falls onto the porch between them drawing a wedge further between the exes. “I'm glad you're back Ash.” She tells him hoping he knows that she means every word. 

“Thanks.” Asher says holding her gaze as their eyes rehash their last conversation which was a heated argument that ended with their breakup. 

“Mommy!” A small voice cuts through their tension as the screen door swings open and a small child with dark curls to match his mom's skips out onto the porch. 

“Yeah, baby.” Olivia says smiling down at her four-year-old son as she sweeps his long bangs out of his eyes that reminds her once again that she needs to take him to get cut soon before he starts pre school in August. 

“Daddy said we can play a video game now!” Her son shouts excitedly jumping up and down as he holds onto his mom's hand.

“Oh, did he? I'll be here in a little bit bub.” Olivia explains knowing that her and Spencer just had a conversation earlier about how they needed to limit their son's screen time.

“Okay. Who are you?” Olivia's son asks craning his neck to look up at the tall stranger standing across from them on the porch.

“Ashton. That's not very nice.” Olivia lightly scolds her son as she sends Asher a sympathetic smile. “This is mommy's friend Asher.” She explains watching as her son extends out his tiny hand out to the veteran. 

_Friend_. He tries not to let his new title leave behind a sour taste in his mouth. 

“It's nice to meet you young man.” Asher says shaking the little boy's hand who is sending him a smile identical to Olivia's as he tries to hide his shock when their eyes meet and he notices how Olivia's son's eyes are blue. 

Just like _his_. 

“Well, Ashton I'm sure your daddy is waiting for you to play that game.” Olivia says as she studies Asher's face still able to read him like a book and she knows he has questions that she doesn't want to answer about her son. 

“Okay. Bye.” Ashton calls with renewed excitement as he skips back to the door to play with his dad disappearing into the house that Asher doesn't know the floor plan to.

“Well, I should get going.” Asher decides knowing that he has over stayed his welcome on Olivia's porch and in her life. 

“Asher…” She calls after him when he turns away from her wishing she had tried to call him back to her when he walked back into the apartment leaving her alone on the balcony.

“Yeah.” Asher says turning back around to meet her soft gaze.

“I really am glad that you're home Ash.” She exclaims tucking a long curl behind her ear.

“Thanks Liv.” He tells her letting the nickname slip past his lips before he can stop himself.

 _I'm sorry._ He wishes he would have told her.

_I'm so fucking sorry._

Olivia waits on the porch as Asher walks down her front steps noticing how he has a white knuckled grip on the railing and a limp that he didn't have when he walked down away from her the last time.

The man walking away from her now has none of the confidence in his posture or his gait that he use to have.

Because the man that is walking away from her isn't _her_ Asher anymore. 

***

Later after their dishes from dinner have been cleared from the table and her son is tucked in his bed upstairs Olivia is standing at the sink rinsing the last of the dishes when she hears Spencer's familiar footsteps cross the hardwood floor as he walks toward her. 

“Are you okay?” He whispers in her ear before he places a gentle kiss to her neck after he wrapped his arms under her middle. 

“I'm fine.” She answers reaching to turn off the water after rinsing off the last dinner plate.

“Are you sure? I mean today must have been really hard for you.” He exclaims holding her closer when she turns to face him not caring when he feels how soaked her shirt is from the dish water. 

“It wasn't.” She says shaking her head even though it's a lie because the shell of who Asher is now is all she's been able to think about since opening her front door to find a ghost from her past standing there. 

“Liv, I know you. And Asher he…” He starts to explains before Olivia cuts him off. 

“Stop.” She exclaims pressing her hand on his chest as she pushes herself out of her husband's arms. 

“What? He hurt you when he left and…” Spencer tries again hating how Asher is now back in wife's orbit.

“Just stop it Spencer.” Olivia tells him louder than she means as she glances toward the stairs to make sure their raised voices haven't woken up their son. “Look Asher is different now. And I know that it doesn't change what he did. But I'm tired of being angry Spencer.” She explains in a softer tone as she allows him to hold her hands.

“I don't want you to get hurt by him again.” He admits worried that it could happen all over again because after Asher left the only thing that brought the light back to Olivia's eyes was the birth of her son. 

“Things are different now though.” She tells him cupping his cheek with her hand.

“Are they?” He asks still not convinced that she won't get hurt by all of this again. 

Olivia allows the deep kiss she presses to his lips be her answer that she chose him four years ago and that she is choosing him now. 

***

When JJ sits down beside him on the couch Asher nods his thanks to him when he hands him an ice-cold beer from the fridge. 

“Did you know Olivia had a son?” Asher asks the question that he has been wanting to ask JJ since he climbed back into the passenger seat of his Jeep with his mind reeling from the secret he just unveiled.

“I did.” JJ reluctantly exclaims with a stiff nod.

“Is he mine?” Asher wonders even though he is sure that the color of the little boy's irises is more than enough confirmation that he needs.

“Ash that's not really my story to tell.” JJ tells him as he avoids making eye contact as he looks down at his bottle of beer.

“Please, JJ…” Asher pleads needing to hear out loud that he has a reason to keep living.

“I'll just tell you what I know. He was born six months after you left.” JJ tells him in a measured tone hating how his words are revealing a secret that isn't his to unearth. 

_Fuck_. 

So, not only did he leave behind Olivia in California but he left behind his son too. 

“He has my eyes.” Asher states before he takes a long drink of his beer. 

“And your talent to catch a football.” JJ explains with a fond smile as he remembers watching Olivia's son easily catch the youth sized football.

“Really?” Asher asks still surprised that he actually has a son. 

“Yeah, I just saw him briefly at the park once when I was running.” JJ explains leaving out the detail that it was Spencer who threw the football to his son. 

After a long pause JJ leans forward to grab the remote control off the coffee table before he flips on the television to the first sports channel he finds as the fact of Asher being a father settles over them giving Asher the hope, he needs that he can finally make amends for all his mistakes by being there for his son.

 _I have a son_. He thinks allowing his eyes to focus on the screen but the thought of his son keeps his mind from doing the same. 

Shortly past midnight after declining JJ's offer for a second beer Asher lays down on the mattress that is now feeling more like his own than it did the night before with a new image flashing through his mind to haunt his sleep. 

Of the little boy across town. 

With Olivia's smile.

And _his_ eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this second chapter and this story so far which I hope that you are enjoying reading! <3
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos!
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _A Father and His Son_ \- Asher will be reuniting with his dad even though he still hasn't forgiven him for what happened four years ago. 
> 
> Any guesses on what has happened between Asher and his dad? (Hint: It was something that was _very_ devastating to a lot of people.)


	3. A Father and His Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month since Asher has returned home to California and he is still adjusting to civilian life. He wants nothing more than to be able to build a relationship with his son. But he has to learn that he must get out of his own way if he ever wants to heal from his past trauma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y'all! 😀
> 
> I am so excited to be back with a new chapter of this story that I hope that y'all are enjoying so far! :D 
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher will be visiting his father and he will be getting the chance at being a father himself. 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain some topics that may be triggering to some of you that include PTSD, nightmares, anxiety and mentions of a crime. So, please read with extra caution and care! <3

**(One Month Later)**

To most sons when they are younger their fathers are usually their first heroes.

The first ones to pick them up after they fall off their bikes and scrape their knees and to make sure they get back on their bikes for another ride.

The first ones to show them how to throw a football and how to catch it.

The first ones to tell them that they can do anything they set their minds to.

But that is before the harsh realities of this world blur the lens of innocence that they perceive the world through so purely leaving them with the cold truth that their fathers are not superheroes at all but instead are just humans with hero-like savior complexes.

And then sometimes no matter how hard they try they aren’t able to save anyone at all.

Asher’s father sure as hell didn’t save him from the harsh realities of this world as he did the exact opposite and showed him nothing but how cruel this world could be.

And Asher wasn't able to save all of those father's sons you died bleeding out into the red sand under the unforgiving blinding desert sun millions of miles away from the safety of their homes.

But he was hoping to be able to break that cycle of heartbreak with his own son.

So, he stands in the middle of the canned food aisle in Kroger trying to decide on whether to get the name-brand tuna or the store brand as he tries his best to ignore stare after stare from the other customers and to appear normal as possible.

Or as normal as an injured veteran leaning their left elbow heavily on the handle of the shopping cart to keep themselves upright can appear.

But when your father has been found guilty and is now a convicted felon people look at you differently.

Because they are waiting for you to make a similar mistake.

And when you've been a ghost for the last four years people need time to adjust that you are still in fact very much alive.

“I would definitely go with the name-brand tuna.” Comes a voice from beside that he hasn’t heard in four years and that he is surprised to find it reaches his ear sounding like the person it belongs to actually wants to talk to him.

“Billy?” Asher asks turning slightly biting down on his bottom when pain shoots up his left leg when he bears his weight on it again.

“Hello Asher,” Billy says keeping his tone measured and his face as equally as neutral as he scans his eyes over the man that was once going to be his son-in-law. “How are you?” He questions not missing the way the young man in front of him has a haunted look in his eyes.

“I’m fine. And you?” Asher responds with a million other questions running through his mind.

 _Do you still hate me for breaking your daughter’s heart?_ If you, don’t you should.

 _Do you still hate me for causing the accident?_ If you do, I don’t blame you.

 _Do you still hate me for everything?_ If you do then I understand why.

 _Do you still hate me?_ If you don’t then you’re a saint. 

“Doing good,” Billy tells him with a curt nod and Asher knows that it is a flat-out lie because he knows the father standing in front of him is never going to be okay again.

Because the father standing in front of him has lost his son.

And he the father standing opposite him is going to try everything he can to save his own son.

“I went and saw Olivia,” Asher tells her father not really knowing what kind of reaction he is expecting.

“She told me,” Billy says with a nod trying his best to keep the edge from his voice because his baby girl had told him that she was tired of being angry and he was trying to get over his anger too.

“And I met her son.” Asher further explains with the image of the little boy with Olivia’s smile and his blue eyes flashing through his mind.

“You mean _your_ son.” Billy corrects remembering how much of a blessing his grandson had been to him and his wife when they had no idea how they would be able to live after what happened to their son.

“Did she want me to know?” Asher wonders still not able to shake the feeling that he intruded on Olivia’s perfect life that she built for herself and _their_ son with the help of Spencer. 

“That’s her story to tell you not mine,” Billy explains even though he knows in fact that was all his daughter ever wanted was for her son to know his father. 

“I’m sorry for everything.” Asher apologizes knowing the apology is long overdue and that his own words sound hollow as if all emotion has been removed from them.

 _I’m sorry for breaking your daughter’s heart._ I'll mend it if she’ll give me the chance.

 _I’m sorry for causing the accident._ I'd trade places with him in a heartbeat.

 _I’m sorry for fucking everything._ I wish I could take it all back.

 _I’m sorry for coming back._ I'm not going to leave again because that would only cause more pain.

“I know,” Billy says with a nod knowing that the man he blames from his son’s death is not the one standing in front of him, but he is miles away in a prison cell. “Like I said always go with the name brand tuna.” He tells him before he leaves him alone in the aisle without another look back. 

Asher stays in the aisle aimlessly looking at the nameless cans and jars of food until he is sure that Billy is halfway across the store or he has checked out and loaded his groceries in the car before he pushes his cart slowly toward the checkout lane with his two items sliding back and forth.

A can of name-brand tuna and a bunch of bananas.

Because he has completely forgotten what was on his grocery list and he has suddenly lost his appetite so he just decides that if he does get hungry, he could always go through one of the many drive-thru restaurants throughout the city for a quick meal.

After all, this was the bachelor lifestyle, he was living just like JJ had explained it to him.

***

The drive down the interstate to the state prison doesn't take near as long as he remembers with the scenery quickly passing by his rolled-down truck window.

But the drive still causes the same nervous feeling to settle into his stomach that increases with each mile he gets closer to the prison gates.

And by the time he is parked and walking toward the visitor entrance the sensation that he is going to vomit intensifies with each slow step forward he takes.

When the guard asks him who he is here to visit his dad's name falls off his lips easily as if it hasn't been four long years since he has seen him or talked to him.

_Harold Adams._

_A state prisoner._

_His father._

Flashing his driver's license and his military identification card as the guard nods toward the door that he knows leads toward the small, cramped space where the visitors get to talk to the inmate, they are visiting through a phone that reminds of a payphone.

_Asher Adams._

_An injured veteran._

_His son._

As he sits down on the uncomfortable stool that is bolted onto the floor, he thinks about leaving before his dad appears behind the Plexiglas fingerprint smeared window and picks up the other phone.

But he doesn't because he knows he needs to have this conversation if he ever wants to move on with his life.

With a loud slamming of a door echoing through the cement block walls and the sound of chains rattling against the tiled floor, his father appears on the other side of the window.

“Hi, son,” Harold says gripping the phone without a dial tone tightly in his hand.

“Hi, Dad,” Asher speaks into the phone the word feeling weird on his tongue as the father and son stare at each other.

“How have you been?” Harold asks after finding that his son’s face looks slightly older and more tired than what he remembers.

But the last time he saw him it was before he made the worst mistake of his life and ruined so many others' lives on that night.

“I’m adjusting,” Asher responds which is still true even after a month of returning to civilian life.

He’s still having to adjust to living alone after moving out of JJ’s apartment into his own.

He’s still having to adjust to driving his truck and the fact that there aren’t any IEDs waiting for him on the California streets only potholes.

He’s still having to adjust to the fact that he’s alive and all of his brothers including his Californian brother aren’t.

“I’m glad you made it back home,” Harold tells his son remembering how many sleepless nights he spent in his cell that last four years fearing that Asher was dead when his letters that he sent him continued to stay unanswered.

“Me too.” Asher agrees even though the only reason is glad that he made it back home is because he has a son.

“I didn’t think you would come and see me,” Harold states cursing himself because that sentence just came out all wrong since what he really meant to his son was that he was so happy that he did come.

“I only came to tell you that I forgive you for what happened that night,” Asher explains with his lips set in a hard line deciding that it's better to get the point of this reunion out in the open.

“You do?” Harold questions surprised that his son has been able to forgive him for what he has done and for all the pain that he has caused.

“Yeah,” Asher affirms with a stiff nod before he switches the phone to his other ear nervously coiling the phone cord through his fingers. “It’s myself though that I can’t forgive, and I never will.” He explains locking gazes with his dad as he knows that they are both replaying the events of that stormy night.

“You weren’t the one driving,” Harold exclaims hating how his son still blames himself for his own damn mistake.

“But I didn’t do anything to stop you either,” Asher argues remembering how he had left call after call from his dad that night go to voicemail before he eventually turned his phone off.

“Son…” Harold states to say before his son abruptly cuts him off.

“Look dad I won’t be coming back after today to visit you. But when you get out maybe we can talk again.” Asher explains hoping that his dad will have the potential of them repairing their shattered relationship to keep him sane for the remainder of his prison sentence.

“I’d like that,” Harold says with a nod knowing that since he has gone four years without seeing his son that he can make it another two years before he sees him again.

“I have a son,” Asher tells him after an announcement over the intercom that he doesn’t listen to mutes their conversation for a moment.

“You do?” Harold questions feeling excited at the prospect that he is now a grandfather.

“Yeah. I didn’t know about him until I got back.” Asher explains watching his dad’s face go from shocked until it morphs into a look of happiness that he knows mirrored his own expression when he looked into Olivia’s son’s face to see that he had his eyes. “He’s Olivia’s. And he’s four years old and he has my eyes.” He further explains wishing he knew more details about his son’s life like what his favorite toys are and who his favorite superhero is.

Anything other than the fact that he left him behind when he enlisted and that his son doesn’t know that he is his real father. 

“Does he know you’re his dad?” Harold wonders knowing that what he did cause a domino effect in his son’s life that led him to leave everything behind.

“No, he doesn’t. He thinks that Spencer is his dad.” Asher tells him trying not to be angry at the fact that another man stepped up and is being a father to his son when he was running away from everything.

“Oh. Well, I think that he should know the truth. Because he is the only good thing that has come out of this tragedy.” Harold states imagining how different all of their lives could have been if he hadn’t gotten behind the wheel that night.

“I hope that one day I get the chance to be his father,” Asher says hoping that Olivia will give him a chance to be a father figure in their son’s life.

“You will,” Harold tells him with a nod before the guard announces that their time is up.

And then just like that Harold is ushered back to his prison cell and Asher has no choice but to watch his dad’s retreating form dressed in an orange jumpsuit disappear through the small square window in the door that slams shut.

 _I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from yourself dad_. Asher thinks as he turns away from the visiting area to make his way outside of the prison walls to go and enjoy the freedoms that he fought for himself and the other citizens to be able to keep.

Yes, indeed a relationship between a father and his son is a very tangled web of regrets, and if only we could rewrite our history.

***

In the twentieth row back from rod iron cemetery gate Asher finds the double headstone marking the grave that he hasn’t visited since the funeral four years ago.

He takes in a deep breath before he lets his eyes scan over the names and the dates in the row below etched into the grey stone.

Which for him the date of the accident is one that he’ll never be able to forget.

Because that was the day that his world and everyone else’s was turned upside down.

But he is remaining hopeful that his son is the one bright light that will help to turn it right side up again.

“Asher!” He hears a small, happy voice call from behind that instantly brings a smile to his face before he turns around to find Ashton, his son, running a few paces ahead of Olivia and Spencer as he waves excitedly.

“Hey there bud. It’s good to see you again.” Asher tells the little boy who he swears is Olivia made over except for his blue eyes.

 _His eyes_.

“Hi,” Ashton says stopping a few feet away from the man that he knows as his mom’s friend.

“Asher, what are you doing here?” Olivia asks once she and Spencer catch up to their son.

“I thought it was time that I paid them a visit,” Asher explains nodding back toward the double headstone.

“Right. Sorry I didn’t mean to—” Olivia apologizes not meaning to imply that he didn’t have the right to be here.

“There’s no apology needed,” Asher assures her with a soft smile.

“We stop by every Saturday before we go to the park,” Spencer explains after he rests his hand against the small of his wife’s back.

“Mommy, can your friend come to the park with us?” Ashton asks looking up into his mom’s face as he tugs onto her hand.

“I don’t know bub he’s probably busy,” Olivia tells her son tucking a piece of her curly hair behind her ear that Asher still detects as her a nervous tick of hers.

Some things never really change at all.

“Can I ask him?” Ashton questions with his tone becoming more persistent.

“Sure.” Olivia finally decides because she has never really been able to tell her son no.

“Will you come to the park with us?” Ashton asks after he steps back toward the veteran as he smiles up at him with that smile that makes Asher want to give him the entire world.

“I don’t want to impose,” Asher explains looking toward Olivia and Spencer who both give him a nod of encouragement.

“Please.” Ashton pleads clasping his tiny hands together as he sends his parents and their friend a pouting look.

“We all want you to come,” Olivia speaks up with an amused smile as she knows that Asher is going to be able to tell their son no just like she can’t.

“Well, in that case, how can I tell you no.” Asher finally says letting a smile slide across his face as he knows that he is never going to be able to tell his son no when he asks him for something.

“Yay!” Ashton shouts before he runs ahead of them back toward the van.

***

As he pulls into the parking lot of the park Asher tries his best not to think about him, Olivia, Jordan had spent many evenings during their childhood playing at this same park which of course now twenty years later it has been completely renovated.

But their ghosts still haunt him as he gets out of his truck to follow the excited little boy and his smiling parents toward the playground.

Olivia pats the empty space beside her after watching Spencer run after Ashton toward the slides which is always what her son runs to first every time they come to the park.

“I went to visit my dad today,” Asher tells his ex-fiancé after he sits down on the bench beside her keeping his gaze focused on his son as he slides down the slide with his curls catching in the wind as he does.

“You did,” Olivia says keeping her tone measured because she isn’t sure where Asher is going with this story since the last time, they talked about his father was on the balcony in the pouring rain four years ago before he left.

“Yeah. And I told him that I forgive him for what happened. But that it’s myself that I’ll never be able to forgive.” Asher explains for no other reason than he needs someone else to know that he still can’t forgive himself for not answering his dad’s phone call that night that could have possibly saved all of their life’s if he had.

“Asher you didn’t cause that accident,” Olivia exclaims reaching out to place her hand gently onto his forearm hating how he is still blaming himself for that night.

“But I did cause you a world of hurt when you were already at your lowest point,” Asher tells her relishing in her touch before he lets out a long breath. 

“My lowest point actually was when I went to my first ultrasound appointment alone without my son’s father there to hold my hand and to share in the miracle that was his life.” Olivia explains with a sad smile remembering how alone she had felt that day.

“God, Liv I am so sorry for all of it.” Asher immediately apologizes as he had never that before of how she had gone through everything alone. 

“I know you are. That’s why I want you to be in Ashton’s life.” Olivia tells him as she doesn’t want their son to suffer any longer for the things that happened in the past.

“And I want to be,” Asher assures her with his tone coming out laced with uncertainty.

“But…” Olivia wonders trailing off as she watches the display of emotion flash across the man’s face that she once thought she was going to marry.

“What if I fail him like I have everyone else in my life,” Asher states with a sinking feeling that he is never going to be able a good enough father to his son.

“I don’t know what the future holds Asher. But I do know that in the present that it means so much that you came back home. So, let this be your starting over point.” Olivia suggests to him sliding her hand down his arm so that she hold his hand ignoring how his palm is now covered with scars.

“Is that what you did. You started over after I left?” Asher observes briefly glancing over to where Spencer is helping Ashton across the bridge that leads to the upper level of the playset.

“I had too. We were all drowning after the accident and we all found our own ways of dealing with everything. I stayed and you left. We both had our reasons for doing what we did.” Olivia explains after Asher meets her gaze again wishing nothing more that they will be able to move past all of this for the sake of their son.

“Do you forgive me?” Asher asks the question with tears brimming in his eyes that has been on the tip of his tongue since the day they hugged on her front porch.

“Will you push me on the swing Asher?” Ashton asks interrupting the conversation between them as they both plastered on happy smiles before turning to face the excited little boy.

“Of course,” Asher tells him with a nod before he gets up slowly from the bench feeling Olivia’s eyes on him the whole time.

“Higher!” Ashton shouts with a giggle dangling his untied shoes out in front of him as he feels like he is flying through the air as the swings moves back and forth.

“Not too high bub,” Olivia says from her seat on the bench shaking her head slightly at her son’s daredevil tendencies.

“Yeah, your mom is right we don’t want you to fall.” Asher agrees after he turns around to share a nod with Olivia before he pushes their son but not hard

“I can jump off! Watch!” Ashton exclaims as he lets go of the swings’ chains before he leaps forward.

“Ash—” Is all that Asher can get out of his son’s name before he watches with a feeling of fear flooding through him as he watches him jump off the swing and effortlessly land on his feet in the sand.

But Asher is no longer here in the park as he grasps the swing chain as he falls to the sand that is now bathed red with the blood of his brother’s and it isn’t the back of his son’s striped shirt that he is reaching out for but the severed body of his sergeant.

 _No, this can’t be happening again…_ He thinks blinking rapidly nine times before he finally realizes that he is screaming, and somebody is trying to help him up from the ground and his son is looking at him with wide teary eyes filled with terror.

 _God, now I’ve gone and scared him to death. How did I ever think I could be a dad?_ He wonders doing his best to stand back up finding his stance shaky as he looks down to see that his left pant leg had rolled up from where he fell and that his prosthetic is now exposed.

“Are you good man?” Spencer asks sharing a worried look with Olivia as she is walking over to them with their son clutching tightly to her hand. 

“Yeah,” Asher answers with a nod trying his best to control his breathing.

“Did I hurt you?” Ashton asks looking up the man who he knows as his mom’s friend and not as his father that still has sand on the front of his pants.

“No, bud you didn’t hurt me. Some very bad men hurt me in a faraway place.” Asher explains in the gentlest tone that he can muster hoping that his little boy won’t ever have to see the horrors in his lifetime that he has seen.

“Oh,” Ashton says looking between his mom and dad that their friend really is okay. “When I get a boo-boo, my mommy gives me a band-aid. Do you want one?” He asks in such an innocent tone that it instantly brings tears to all of the adult’s eyes as he points to the scratch on Asher’s hand that is bleeding.

“Yeah, I think a band-aid would help me a lot.” Asher agrees looking down at his hand guessing that the tiny starch is from where he gripped onto the swing after clearing his throat forcing a smile on his face as he peers down at the little boy.

Asher and Spencer watch as their son drags his mom toward the bench where her backpack is to get the injured soldier a band-aid that won’t cover his many wounds but like with a lot of things it’s the thought that counts.

Limping over to the bench that Asher tries hard to hide with the other man’s eyes on his back over to where his son is waiting with a band-aid that his mom opened for him.

“All better?” Ashton asks after he places the band-aid over the small scrape on his mom’s friend’s hand as he wraps his tiny fingers around the man’s larger ones that Asher painfully notices that the little boy’s fingers are identical to his own.

“All better,” Asher assures him before his son steps forward to wrap his small arms around him as they share their first hug which is something that he has wanted to do since the day he met him on the James’ front porch.

 _I’m so sorry for leaving you, son_ … Is the apology that he wishes he could whisper into his son’s ear but he knows that right now is not the time for that.

After Olivia does what she does best which is making a smile appear on her son’s face once more by the mention of taking him to get an ice cream cone he leads her or rather pulls her toward their van waving bye to Asher on the way.

“Thank you for your service,” Spencer says after they walk through the parking lot before stopping next to Asher’s truck extending his hand out toward the other man that once was his rival both on and off the football field back when they were in high school.

“Thank you for taking care of them,” Asher tells him as he nods toward Olivia and Asher who are waiting for Spencer in the van before shaking his hand that symbolizes as a peace offering between the two fathers.

The father that ran away unknowingly leaving his son behind.

And the father who stepped up to be the father that his son needed. 

“Look Asher I know that this is a conversation that you need to have with Olivia about Ashton. But I want you to know that I won’t stand in your way about being there for your son.” Spencer exclaims after they release their handshake.

“Thanks. And I won’t stand in your way either for continuing to be there for _your_ son.” Asher assures him hoping that the last thing that he wants to do is take away from his son the only father that he has ever known.

“That little boy he’s been my whole world for the last four years,” Spencer states remembering how he had cried the first time he had held him after he was born.

“He’s really amazing. You and Olivia have done a great job with him.” Asher compliments not feeling any animosity toward the man that has been his son’s father for the last four years. 

“And he’s lucky to have you now too,” Spencer tells him honestly knowing that the way the other man’s eyes light up when he’s around Ashton is all the proof that he needs that Asher is more than ready to step into his role as his father.

“What’s much better than him having one dad than him having two. Right?” Asher suggests knowing from this moment on that nothing in his life is ever going to be more important to him than his son and his happiness.

“Absolutely.” Spencer agrees with a nod. “Well, I should I get going.” He says before turning toward his wife and son.

“See you later,” Asher calls after the man who waves back at him before climbing into the driver seat of the van that pulls away leaving him alone standing beside his truck.

Letting out a long breath Asher onto the bed of his truck as pain shoots up his leg with each step, he takes toward his truck door.

Asher meets his reflection in the rearview as he backs out of his parking spot with a renewed hope settling in his chest that maybe just maybe he can be a father to his son.

A father is his son’s first hero that he will have throughout his life to look up to.

And his son is a father’s greatest pride and joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this third chapter and this story so far which I hope that you are enjoying reading! <3
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _A Memory or A Nightmare_ \- and it will be the full story about what happened four years ago that turned everyone's world upside down. I hope to have it posted soon! <3
> 
> So, what do y'all think happened four years ago that caused Asher to enlist and leave Olivia behind?

**Author's Note:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this first chapter and this story so far which I hope that you are enjoying reading! <3
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos!
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _A Four-Year-Old Secret_ \- Asher will be stepping back into his past when he visits someone that he hasn't talked to in over four years.
> 
> Here is a look ahead at the rest of the remaining chapter names:
> 
> • **Chapter Two:** _A Four-Year-Old Secret_  
>  • **Chapter Three:** _A Father and His Son_  
>  • **Chapter Four:** _A Memory or A Nightmare_  
>  • **Chapter Five:** _A Second Chance at Living_
> 
> Let me know which chapter you are most excited to read! (There's going to be a lot of twists and turns to this story - It's an emotional roller coaster for all of the characters!) 😉


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